Reaching for a third - perhaps fourth - helping of my mother’s delicious chilaquiles with my chubby pre-growth spurt hands, I distinctly remember my childhood name “Frijolito.” A term of endearment rooted in my physical appearance. A round little frijol.

Fat is an extremely sensitive and personal topic. Every body has their own unique history and feelings towards the term. Before I get into it by expressing my own personal relationship with the word, I have to say that fat is not bad. Fat is a macronutrient that is essential for our human organism to survive. We need fat. Fat is energy, fat is power, fat is work. In fact, there are essential fatty acids that we need to ingest for our brain to function properly. However, the social implications of showing an accumulation of body fat is a different story.

HUSKY

I was a “husky” child. I know this because my mom would ensure that we shopped for jeans with this designated fit while we were at Wal-Mart or at Carson Pirie Scott on Lake St. I also knew I was “husky” or “gordo” because careless adults pointed it out to me, to my face, perhaps while getting a third helping of chiles rellenos at dinner. I distinctly remember one such instance while reaching for another helping and sheepishly putting the serving spoon back down due to the poignant observation. That particular situation only made worse by my mother standing up for her chubby son by saying “don’t say that to him, it’ll give him a complex.” How mortifying as an eight year old. Correction. How mortifying as a HUSKY, eight year old.

BODY TALK

As I got older, I grew taller. My family is “tall for Mexicans” (as a white life insurance salesmen once pointed out to my immediate family and I while we were filling out paper work in our family room). I leaned out. I started running and lifting weights in college. Since then, I’ve been in relatively good shape. This does not mean that the outside world was done discussing the shape of my body or my general appearance. It is a fallacy to think we are completely divorced from the judgmental eyes of strangers. No one, including myself, is that completely blind to someone’s appearance. In the past, it would bother me that my relatively fit body meant that it was a source of open discussion to any stranger. My undoubtedly “clean” diet, my pretentious organic food craze, my obsession with physical activity, the list can continue with whatever that person made up in their head about what I did to look that way. All assumptions that were told to my face by anyone who felt like chiming in about my body. Groping, touching, and comments from strangers are all okay when they refer to your body in a positive way right? Never mind the truth. Never mind my mental state at the time. Never mind my healthy habits and routines. Never mind my very unhealthy habits and routines. Strangers don’t care about that stuff. They care about their pre-conceived notions. They care about their assumptions.

SELFIE

Every body has body dysmorphia. Every body feels differently on a day to day basis. The scale may read the same number it did the week before but I could feel completely different one week to the next. Which is why I’ve decided to not give that number any power. I base my workouts and adherence to physical activity based on how I feel. Yes, I’ve developed a workout schedule for myself but I set a mental intention behind it. Instead of “I HAVE to run 10 miles today because I feel fat and need to lean out” I think “I WANT to run 10 miles because I know I enjoy running and I always feel great and accomplished afterwards. Plus I’ll see some cool shit.”

Adherence to physical activity depends on your attitude and mind set. Starting a work out program to simply “show them” feeds into that external conversation about your appearance. Instead, focus on how you feel after a workout. Do you feel proud? Accomplished? The scale might not change right away or a all for a while but if you are putting in the work and it makes you feel better that is enough. Physical results may follow in the future but don’t worry about that especially in the beginning. Focus more on creating a healthy habit for yourself that fills you with happiness. And remember if you put in the work, YOU take the credit. Honor your hard work and the changes you’ve made. None are too small.

Frijolito

“No, not like you Joel, more like a REAL Mexican” told to me by a countless array of white people from childhood to just last week.

“You don’t present as Mexican,” said to me on a first date by a white guy a few years back.

My favorite was when I met an ex-boyfriends all white friends for the first time. I told them my name and one of the girl’s asked me what it meant. I looked her square in the eye’s and said “What does Joel mean? Are you serious?” She then backtracked by explaining that during her study abroad year in Guatemala . . .

The thing is people judge based on appearance. If you are fat, skinny, fit, brown, white, gay, straight, femme. What I’ve learned over the years is to not worry about what other’s think. I know what I am, I know what I value and sometimes I value that second helping of chilaquiles more than a number on the scale. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. My only job is to take care of my body, my mind, and most importantly my heart. This is the take-away from this post. Be kind to those that do not look like you. You don’t know their journey, you don’t know their struggles, you don’t know their insecurities. Honor that kind heart. Honor it when you see others and when you see yourself in the mirror as you are right now.